If you’re a woman in leadership, chances are you’ve experienced what I call the Competence Complex. This is the nagging belief that,
“You need to know everything about everything to feel confident about anything.“
It’s a mindset that can hold even the most capable leaders back, leading to unnecessary stress, self-doubt, and the constant urge to over prepare—or worse, the inability to stop over preparing for meetings.
One common manifestation of the competence complex is the need to over prepare for meetings. Many women leaders have shared stories of feeling confident presenting their own research, decks, or projects but unravel with anxiety during open discussions or Q&A sessions. The fear of not knowing an answer or being caught off guard can be paralyzing, often preventing them from fully participating or contributing in meetings.
I remember leading a women’s workshop where I conducted and exercise where women self-identified with various limiting beliefs that stop them from speaking up, even when they feel they have an idea to contribute. One brave woman volunteered, “Well, I speak up in meetings if I can double check the answer is correct.” Puzzled, I asked her how she pulled this off. She said, “I have my instant messenger app up and when I think I know the answer I double check with my team first just be 1000% sure I am right and prepared to answer any follow up questions.” This was not a junior leader, so I figured this practice had been something she had done for quite some time. I asked, “does this work?” Her response, “Umm, sometimes. I often find that the conversation has gone on without me and I miss the chance to jump in.” Then I followed up and asked the real question, “how often when you get the confirmation from your team, was your original response/idea/contribution wrong?” She said, “almost never.”
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. The good news is that you can break free from the cycle of over preparing and step into meetings with confidence. Here’s how.
The Competence Complex: What It Is and Why It Holds Us Back
The competence complex stems from societal expectations, workplace dynamics, and internalized beliefs that tell women they must be perfect to be valued. It’s a trap that keeps many women corporate leaders overworking, over preparing, and overthinking, all to avoid criticism or the dreaded “I don’t know” moment.
But here’s the truth: confidence isn’t about knowing everything. It’s about trusting your ability to navigate challenges, contribute meaningfully, and ask the right questions—even when you don’t have all the answers.
The Danger of Over Preparing
Over preparing might feel like a safety net, but it often leads to failing returns. Instead of freeing you to think creatively and respond in real time, it can make you rigid and overly focused on details that may not even come up. Worse, it can reinforce the belief that you’re only valuable when you’re 100% certain, which is both unrealistic and unsustainable.
As Harvard Business Review suitably put it, “In school, you prepared as much as possible for the test to know the answer. In the workplace, not everything you need to know is found in a textbook. Instead of over-preparing, or dithering out of fear or insecurity, spend that time learning to improvise. The professional world, and particularly leadership, demands adaptability, collaboration, and the confidence to think and respond on your feet.
The Four Types of Meetings—and How to Prepare for Each
Preparation is important, but the key is to prepare strategically. To stop overpreparing for meetings, focus on understanding the purpose of the meeting, which will help you target your efforts and avoid the trap of trying to know everything. As we become more senior in our careers, we often think we have to have all the answers. In reality, we need to ask questions, encourage further thinking, bring fresh ideas, and help unblock the teams. Here are four common types of meetings and tips for approaching each one:
1. Fact-Gathering or Update Meetings
These meetings are designed to share updates, review materials, and identify areas for improvement. Your role is to:
- Listen carefully to the update or review the material in advance. – Be present.
- Commend areas of strength in the update. – It sets the table for tougher questions later.
- Ask questions about potential risks or opportunities.
Instead of worrying about having all the answers, focus on being curious and engaged. For example, you might ask, “Have we considered other options for addressing this challenge?” or “What assumptions are we making here, and how can we test them?”
2. Brainstorming or Blue-Sky Thinking Sessions
These are creative meetings where the goal is to generate ideas and think strategically. To prepare:
- Bring a few ideas to contribute. – I like a value pack of practical, crazy, and totally insane ideas in my arsenal for these meetings.
- Be ready to ask open-ended questions to help others expand their thinking on ideas.
You don’t need to be the source of every idea. Instead, support the team by asking, “How might this idea work in practice?” or “What could we combine to make this idea even stronger?”
3. Planning Meetings
Planning meetings focus on setting goals, allocating resources, or mapping out next steps. To show up confidently:
- Identify potential problems AND (this is key) propose potential solutions.
- One of the ways that women or men can look really negative is the only thing they do is point out problems. It’s so tempting. We see the issue like a red beacon, and we just want to point out the issue. “Well, I don’t see how next year we’re going to get that done or we’re never going to get funding for that project.” Instead, pair every challenge with a solution. For example, “This new direction could cause a $100,000 overrun, I suggest we streamline X and explore automation for Y to self-fund the idea”
4. Decision or Approval Meetings
In these meetings, you’re expected to articulate a point of view and support it with data or insights. Try to avoid deferring to the loudest voice in the room, by taking stock in advance on what is missing for you to make a decision. To prepare:
- Formulate a clear perspective on the issue at hand.
- Be ready to ask clarifying questions if you’re unsure about others’ perspectives.
Confidence doesn’t mean always having the final say. It means engaging thoughtfully and helping the team move closer to a decision. If you’re unsure, ask questions like, “What’s the rationale behind this approach?” or “Are there any potential risks we haven’t considered?”
Shift Your Focus from Answers to Questions
One of the most effective ways to combat the competence complex is to stop obsessing over having all the answers and start focusing on asking great questions. Questions show engagement, curiosity, and a willingness to collaborate—all traits of a confident leader.
Here are some examples:
- “Can you help me understand how this aligns with our broader goals?”
- “What are the biggest challenges we’re anticipating, and how can I help address them?”
- “What’s your perspective on this, and how can we build on it?”
Asking questions not only relieves the pressure to know everything but also positions you as a thoughtful and strategic contributor. Take that competence complex!
Build Your Confidence Muscle
Confidence is like a muscle—the more you use it, the stronger it gets. Here are some additional strategies to help you show up in meetings with poise and presence:
- Practice Self-Affirmation: Before a meeting, remind yourself of your expertise and accomplishments. For example, “I’ve prepared thoughtfully for this meeting, and I’m here to contribute.”
- Engage Early: Speak up within the first 10 minutes of a meeting. It can be as simple as asking a question or agreeing with a point. This sets the tone for your participation and builds momentum.
- Embrace Imperfection: Remember, it’s okay not to know everything and ask a “stupid” question every once in a while. We hold back because we don’t want others to judge us, but they are probably thinking about themselves, not you.
- Reflect and Learn: After each meeting, take a few minutes to reflect on what went well and what you’d like to improve. Use these insights to grow your confidence over time.
Over preparing for meetings might feel like a safety net, but it’s often a symptom of deeper self-doubt. As a women leader, your voice and perspective are invaluable. Trust your expertise, engage with curiosity, and step into every meeting with the confidence that you belong at the table. When you do, you’ll not only contribute more effectively but also inspire others to do the same.
Reagan’s Rule: Prepare strategic questions, not statements, for meetings and break free from the Competence Complex.
