Let’s be honest.
When I say the word networking, what comes to mind?
A hotel ballroom with fluorescent lighting.
Name tags slightly peeling at the corners.
A strange glass of Merlot that no one knows the origin.
Someone aggressively “working the room” like they’re competing for an Olympic medal in Handing Out Business Cards.
You’re standing there pretending to check a text so you don’t have to make eye contact.
And then it happens.
Eye contact.
They start walking toward you.
You briefly consider hiding behind a ficus plant.
We have all been there.
Networking has somehow become synonymous with awkward small talk, transactional conversations, and that one person who asks what you do before they even finish saying hello.
No wonder people say, “I hate networking.”
But here’s the truth:
Most people don’t hate networking.
They hate bad networking.
Because networking – when done well – isn’t slimy. It isn’t manipulative. It isn’t about building a contact list the size of Manhattan.
It’s about intentionally building productive relationships.
Let’s break that down.
Intentional.
Not accidental. Not passive. Not “I hope something good happens.”
Building.
Relationships take time, consistency, and investment.
Productive.
Mutually beneficial. Both people gain value.
We don’t say, “I’d love a great marriage, but I’m not going to invest any time or effort into it.”
We don’t say, “I want a best friend, but I’ll just let that happen organically.”
Healthy relationships require intentionality over time.
So does networking.
And the quality of those relationships is determined by something most people never stop to examine:
Our intent.
Why Networking Is More Emotional Than Rational
The myth most professionals believe:
“If I can just impress them with my competence, they’ll want to connect.”
So, we lead with credentials.
Experience.
Track records.
Awards.
Education
It’s like a live version of your LinkedIn profile.
Now, don’t get me wrong, competence absolutely matters.
In fact, Vanessa Van Edwards defines charisma as required two parts, and competence is one of them.
But her full definition? Competence + Warmth. Competence signals capability.
But warmth?
Warmth signals genuine connection.
Neurologically speaking, competence speaks to the neocortex – the part of the brain responsible for logic, facts, and strategy.
Warmth speaks to the limbic system – where emotions, trust, and memories live.
And here’s the kicker:
According to Stanford Business, roughly 90–95% of our decisions and behaviors are shaped non-consciously by the emotional brain system.
So, while you are engaging with someone their brain is quietly asking:
“Are you a threat or a reward?”
The Threat vs. Reward Question
Dr. David Rock’s research shows that when a stimulus [including a person approaching us] enters the brain, it is almost instantly categorized as either a threat, you want to move away, or a reward, you want to move towards someone.
Think about the last time you walked into a networking event and what you felt talking to the first person you met.
Did you feel this?
Threat state:
- Guarded
- Giving short answers
- Low energy
- Mentally scanning the room
- Thinking, “What do they want from me?”
- Quietly wondering when the conversation will end
Now think about the opposite.
Reward state:
- At ease
- Open
- Engaged
- Giving detailed responses
- Thinking, “I like talking to this person.”
- Genuinely wanting the conversation to continue
Here’s what’s fascinating:
Alexander Todorov’s research shows we decide very quickly whether someone possesses traits like likability and competence (essentially charisma!) – even before we’ve exchanged a single word.
That means influence begins before your first sentence.
It begins with your intent.
The Real Problem: Extraction Mode
Before you ever open your mouth, you walk into a room with a mindset.
Most people don’t consciously think about it.
But their nervous system does.
If you walk into a networking event thinking:
- What’s in this for me?
- Will this person help me retire my quota?
- Can they refer me to someone important?
- Could they play a role in my promotion?
You are in Extraction Mode.
And here’s the hard truth:
People can feel it.
Even if your words are polished.
Even if your smile is perfect.
Extraction mode leaks out in subtle ways:
- You scan the room while they’re talking.
- You wait for your turn to pivot back to yourself.
- Your energy feels slightly impatient.
- You’re calculating rather than connecting.
And when someone senses they are being sized up for utility, their brain moves into threat.
Guarded. Closed. Disengaged.
Not because they don’t like you.
Because they don’t feel that threat mode taking over.
The Shift That Changes Everything: Impact Mode
Now imagine walking into that same room and asking a different question:
“How can I positively impact someone here tonight?”
Not:
What can I get?
But:
What can I give?
How could I add value?
Who might I introduce?
What could I learn?
What might this person need?
This is Impact Mode.
And when you operate from impact mode, your behaviors naturally change.
You become:
- Curious
- Patient
- Present
And presence is powerful.
Presence communicates:
“I’m here with you.”
“You matter.”
“This isn’t transactional.”
That energy shifts people into that reward state.
And reward creates connection.
This is the foundation of influence.
Not tactics.
Not scripts.
Not perfectly rehearsed talking points.
Intent, and it being to create impact.
The Real Foundation of Influence
If you want to become someone others are drawn to, someone with that gravitational pull we often label as “natural networkers” or someone with charisma– it doesn’t start with tactics.
It starts before you walk into the room.
Pause.
Inspect your intent.
Are you there to extract?
Or are you there to impact?
Because great networking isn’t about collecting contacts.
It’s about creating connection.
And connection begins in the emotional brain – long before logic ever has a chance.
Reagan’s Rule: When it comes to relationship building: Extraction repels. Impact attracts.
Stay tuned! In Part 2 of this series, we’ll unpack the single most powerful behavior that moves people from threat to reward: curiosity.
Sneak Peak:
It’s Not What You Say – It’s What You Ask
If intent is the foundation, curiosity is the tool.
Networking often feels like speed dating in business attire.
And the fastest way to move someone from threat to reward isn’t impressing them.
It’s being genuinely curious about them.
Curiosity communicates:
“I’m interested.”
“You’re not a transaction.”
But curiosity only works if it’s rooted in the right intent.
You can’t fake impact mode.
Your nervous system will give you away.
