Let me guess: you’ve sent an email that started with, “I’m sorry to bother you, but…” Or maybe you’ve ended a great point with, “Does that make sense?” as if you need reassurance that your words hold weight. Sound familiar?
You’re not alone. Communication challenges for women in the workplace are widespread and deeply ingrained. In a fascinating Forbes article titled The Top 6 Communication Challenges Professional Women Face, they highlighted some common patterns that women often fall into when communicating:
- Word Count Overload: On average, women use nearly three times as many words to communicate verbally compared to men.
- Softening Feedback: Using language or emojis to cushion criticism or requests, like adding a smiley face to say, “It’s really no big deal!”
- Apologizing: Beginning sentences with “I’m sorry” when no apology is needed.
- Diminishing Language: Words like “just” or “I think,” which subtly undercut authority (e.g., “I just wanted to follow up” or “I think we should consider…”).
- Qualifiers: Phrases like “maybe,” “perhaps,” or “I’m no expert, but…” These undermine your credibility and invite others to question your expertise.
Anyone else guilty of these besides me? These habits don’t just happen out of nowhere. They’re often driven by societal expectations that pressure women to soften their communication, avoid conflict, and tiptoe around authority.
Why Do Women Do This?
Dr. Louann Brizendine, in her book The Female Brain, explains how male and female brains differ in ways that impact behavior and communication. She notes:
“…In the brain centers for language and hearing, for example, women have 11 percent more neurons than men. The female brain has tremendous unique aptitudes – outstanding verbal agility, the ability to connect deeply in friendship, a nearly psychic capacity to read faces and tone of voice for emotions and states of mind, and the ability to defuse conflict. All of this is hardwired into the brains of women…”
In short, women are wired to build relationships, understand emotions, and foster connection—amazing traits that are highly valuable. But there’s a downside. This natural tendency to prioritize connection can make women over-accommodating and hesitant to assert themselves.
The “Be Good” Mentality
When I discuss this kind of passive and apologetic communication in women’s leadership programs, there’s always this “aha” moment in the room. At first, I see the smiles and nods, but soon the laughter turns into embarrassed giggles. Why? Because we’ve all been there! We make these small compromises in our communication without even realizing it.
We’ve all apologized when we didn’t need to. We’ve all softened a direct request. We’ve all doubted whether we had the right to speak up. It’s the “be good” mentality—this ingrained belief that we need to be nice, not rock the boat, and avoid stepping on toes.
Here’s an example:
A woman I worked with recently was emailing a vendor who hadn’t responded despite multiple follow-ups. She was outlining the issue—fairly and professionally—but as she reviewed her draft, she caught herself typing, “I don’t mean to be difficult, but…”
Think about that for a second. She was a paying customer, requesting something she was owed, and yet she felt the need to apologize for “being difficult.” Why? Because of that little voice in her head saying, “Don’t be a disruption. Don’t be too demanding.”
This is exactly what holds us back. These habits don’t reflect incompetence—they reflect years of conditioning. But the good news? We can break them.
5 Strategies to Stop Apologizing and Own Your Authority
To start owning your authority in the workplace, you need to audit and adjust how you communicate. Here’s how:
1. Create a Clear Communication Checklist
For one week, review every email you send and look for:
Apologies: Did you say, “I’m sorry” when it wasn’t necessary?
Diminishing Words: Are you using “just,” “I think,” or “I was wondering”?
Qualifiers: Did you hedge your statements with “maybe,” “perhaps,” or “I’m no expert, but…”?
Unnecessary Questions: Did you end with “Does that make sense?” or “Am I making sense?”
Rewrite these emails before you hit send. Remove the apologies and qualifiers. Be direct, clear, and confident.
2. Practice Directness in Conversations
The next time you’re in a meeting or discussion, experiment with more direct statements. For example:
Instead of saying, “I think we should consider option A,” say, “Option A is the best approach because…”
Replace “I was wondering if we could try…” with “Let’s try…”
It may feel uncomfortable at first, but confidence grows with practice.
3. Enlist an Accountability Partner
Find a colleague or mentor who can help you spot your verbal habits. Ask them to listen for your “bugaboo” words, like “like,” “just,” or “I was wondering,” and let you know when you’re falling into these patterns.
4. Leverage Technology
If you’re using tools like Microsoft Teams or Grammarly, take advantage of AI features that analyze your communication patterns. These tools can highlight passive or apologetic language and help you track your progress over time.
5. Celebrate Progress
Breaking ingrained habits takes time. Celebrate the small wins, like sending an email that feels bold or speaking up in a meeting without hedging your words. Progress, not perfection, is the goal.
Why This Matters
When you soften your communication, you unintentionally signal to others that you doubt your authority. This can make it harder to advance in your career, especially if you’re aiming for leadership roles where executive presence is critical.
Here’s the truth: You belong at the table. You have the skills, the intelligence, and the expertise. It’s time to communicate like it.
When you stop apologizing for your voice and start owning your authority, you’ll notice a shift—not just in how others perceive you, but in how you perceive yourself.
Reagan’s Rule:
Speak like you belong, because you do. When you communicate with clarity and confidence, you’re not just owning your authority—you’re shaping how women lead in the workplace.
